Please note the date & time-stamp of this entry as it is SURE to be WAY too early. The NFL combine doesn't start for another three weeks or so and a lot will change after that. Exhibit A: Chris Johnson going to the Tennessee Titans in Round 1. When you run a 4.24-40, your stock goes up. Period. Percy Harvin could do it this year...
1. Detroit Losers - Matt Stafford (QB - UGA)
I'm not at high on this guy as plenty of other draftniks claim to be, but they're not going to draft Michael Crabtree. That being said, it wouldn't be completely crazy to see Kansas City trade up for this pick to take Stafford in lieu of being stuck with Mark Dirty Sanchez. Dan Orlovsky and Daunte Culpepper are NOT the answer. Not even with their talents combined like the Wonder Twins.
2. St. Louis Rams - Michael Crabtree (WR - Texas Tech)
As the unfortunate owner of Torry Holt during the 2008 fantasy football season, I know this guy is no longer producing at the same level. He could make for a good 3WR in their system, but here's a guy who will complement Donnie Avery and put butts in the seats. I think Crabtree is going to be a stud... (shhhh, I'm going to draft him on my fantasy team this year!). Oh, and insert thought: Oakland might trade up for this pick...
3. Kansas Shitty Chiefs - Mark Dirty Sanchez (QB - USC)
They need a QB because Tyler Thigpen is not their QB of the future. Their other two bozos on the roster proved that they weren't worth the time or money either. Yes, Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard. Personally, I think they need to make this pick, even though I think he's going to be a bust too.
4. Seattle Seahawks - Andre Smith (OT - Alabama)
I still think this guy is the best big man in the draft. His absence from the Sugar Bowl proved to be fatal. He pwned everyone else he matched up against during the season. Walter Jones is getting old too.
5. Cleveland Brownies - Knowshown Moreno (RB - Georgia)
Coaching and injuries killed the Brownies in 2008 and Jamal Lewis needs a replacement. There's depth in this Linebacker class but not at Running Back. Will they ever change their fugly orange and brown unis? Add some green and they could be the Moldy Oranges.
6. Cincinnati Bungals - Eugene Monroe (OT - Virginia)
Cincinnati should only draft O-linemen and Wide Receivers this year. Bye bye TJ (free agent) and Ocho Cinco (washed up).
7. Oakland Al Davis Killed the Raiders - Aaron Curry (LB - Wake Forest)
If they don't trade up to take Crabtree, which I'm thinking is quite likely, my guess is Curry. O-Line is their greatest and most obvious need, but the Grim Reaper (Al Davis) will again forego the route of "logic" and pick who he wants.
8. J-ville Jaguars - Michael Oher (OT - Ole Miss)
See comment above about Cincinnati Bengals & insert here.
9. Green Bay Packers - B.J. Raji (DT - Boston College)
I have this strange feeling that he could go higher than this (maybe Cincinnati, maybe Oakland)...
10. San Francisco Gold-Digging 49ers - Rey Maualuga (LB - USC)
Niners take the in-state kid to pair up with Patrick Pro-Bowl Willis in the 3-4. Two reasons: 1) copy cat Super Bowl Sixburgh Steelers; 2) copy cat Super Bowl Sixburgh Steelers.
11. Buffalo Billy Bob Thornton Bills - Jason Smith (OT - Baylor)
I can't name anyone on their O-Line which means they need help.
12. Denver has Hot Cheerleaders Broncos - Everett Brown (DE/OLB - PSU)
If Denver really is going to shift to a 3-4 like half of the NFL, a versatile DE is a big need. The other guy that could go here is Brian Orapko... but I don't think he'll grade out as well after failing to dominate against a porous Ohio State d-line in the Fiesta Bowl.
13. Washington Redskins - Peria Jerry (DT - Ole Miss)
I wish the 'Skins could get the Taylor Mays compensatory pick for losing Sean Taylor, but alas, they'll need to finish 2009 season at 4-11 to secure that pick instead. For the time being, the Mr. Jerry is the pick. Joe Gibbs could have a 100-yard day against the Skins' defense.
14. New Orleans Saints - Malcolm Jenkins (CB - The Ohio State University)
As proficient as the Saints are at passing the ball, their ability to defend it is equally horrendous. Jenkins is the best corner in this draft class and arguably should go higher. Here's an early bet that he runs a 4.35-40 on Pro Day.
15. Houston Texans - Brian Orapko (DE - Texas)
Complement the $40 million terror on the other side of the line with this guy and you're set on the D-Line for the next 4-6 years. DO IT. Plus, he's a Texas guy.
16. San Diego Super Jacko Chargers - Brian Cushing (OLB - USC)
Somehow I see this guys' measureables being way too much to pass over... He could be the next Shawne Merriman in that system. Just saying... Oh, and I think LT and Sproles will both stick around in '09. SD will pick a RB in a later round... Like a Javon Ringer...
17. New York J-E-T-S Jets - James Laurinaitis (LB - The Ohio State University)
The Vernon Gholston project hasn't been fully realized yet, but that won't stop new Jets Coach Rex Ryan from drafting the heady MLB from Linebacker U.
18. Chicago Da Bears - Jeremy Maclin (WR - Mizzou)
If Devin Hester if your best WR... you're not going to make the play-offs.
19. Tampa Hosted the Super Bowl Buccaneers - Josh Freeman (QB - KSU)
In addition to being home of Super Bowl 43 and the highest per capita of strip clubs, it's also home to a new stable of coaches. This pick will be as surprising as the firing of Gruden and the defection of Coach Kiffin. Freeman is a younger, darker, taller, bigger, straighter, faster, right-handed version of Jeff Garcia.
20. Detroit Losers (II) - Alex Mack (C - Cal)
You could insert any of the top 10 linemen at this spot and Detroit will pick one of them.
21. Philly Steak Sub Eagles - Chris "Beanie" Wells (RB - The Ohio State University)
Somehow the Eagles get Beanie, either here at 21 or via trade. Brian Westbrook was not created for goal-line rushes, rather, for 60 yard screen passes for TDs.
22. Minnesota Vikings - Vontae Davis (CB - Illinois)
Under the pretense that defense wins championships, Davis is the value pick here. Round 2/3/4 is where they address the dire QB situation in hopes of bandaging the situation until 2010. Graham Harrell in purple anyone? I know he can hand-off to AP All Day as well as I can...
23. New England Com Patriots - Aaron Maybin (DE/OLB - PSU)
The most logical pick for Coach Sweatshirt. Fits the system like a glove.
24. Atlanta Matt Ryan Falcons - Tyson Jackson (DE - LSU)
I have a feeling the 2009 draft will be very defense-oriented for the Falcons who have a wall-oiled machine on the other side of the ball.
25. Miami has Sexy Cheerleaders Dolphins - Louis Delmas (S - Western Michigan)
I think Parcells snags a veteran LB via free agency and takes this safety...
26. Baltimore Cry Me a River Ravens - DJ Moore (CB - Vanderbilt)
Chris McAlister and Samari Rolle are barely worth fantasy drafting on Madden 2009... Not to mention Corey Ivy is clearly not good enough to be a #1 on that defense. (see: Corey Ivy gets pwned by Holmes & Sweed)
27. Indianapolis Colts - Sen'Derrick Marks (DT - Auburn)
I had a hard time with this one, but I think it's the biggest hole they need to fill. WR's to replace Harrison abound in Rounds 2 & 3. Marks was a DE who's obviously agile enough to play the role of quick, undersized DT for the speedy Colts defense.
28. Philly Steak Sub Eagles (II) - Eben Britton (OT - Arizona)
Don't know who this guy is, but Philly needs help on the O-line.
29. New York Giants - Hakeem Nicks (WR - UNC)
Replacement for Plaxico Arm I Shot Myself Burress. The defense will be fine and back on its feet with Umenyiora back on the field.
30. Tennessee Titans - Brandon Pettigrew (TE - Okie State)
Who's that washed up tight-end that fumbled the ball in a playoff game? Yeah.. Enough said.
31. Arizona Cardinals - LeSean McCoy (RB - Pittsburgh)
How ironic it would be for the Cardinals to draft a RB from the city that just beat them in the Super Bowl...
32. Sixburgh Steelers - William Beatty (OT - UConn)
If Sixburgh drafts ANYONE that's not an offensive lineman, they will earn a draft grade of FAIL.
End Round One.
Special Note - Former Buckeye Alex Baffoon Boone will not be drafted in this year's draft for alcohol-related issues. At least wait until AFTER you're drafted to consume an entire keg of beer. Maybe he'll outscore Vince Young on the Wonderlic Test. Bonehead only needs a 7 to beat VY.
You want rice noodle?
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