Bakers shoes defined, according to Layne...

You don’t know bakers? They are like the Ferrari of shoes, no scratch that if Ferrari and Lamborghini had a baby and it was a shoe that would be the baker shoe. If you went to a jewelry store and you saw a Rolex watch that would be the equivalent to going into a shoe store and seeing bakers.

Bakers are like the Argentinean filet of the steak world. The Bellagio of the Vegas world. The Steelers combined with the patriots of the football world. The 2003 Yankees and the 2008 red socks of the baseball world. The Michael Jordan and Lebron James of the basketball world. The gouda cheese of the cheese world.

They are the Merrill Lynch, Nationwide, PwC of the corporate world. The Nike of the non-dress shoe world. The Wal-Mart of the retail world. The blue whale of the whale world, the great white of the shark world. The iPhone of the cell phone world. It’s like Paris of the fashion world. The Edward of the Liu world. The Nolan Ryan of the pitching world, the Robert Horry of the big shot world.

They are the Tiger of the golf world, the Roger Federer of the tennis world, the taco Doritos of the Doritos world. The wondering spider of the poisonous spider world. The blue cotton candy in the cotton candy world. They are the Bill Gates of the CEO world, the Warren Buffet of the finance world. It would be like if Prada and coach handbags had a baby and it was infinitely times cooler than its parents.

My Buckeye Wish List

I know it's May... and the Ohio State football season doesn't officially start for another 3+ months, but I have conjured up an early wish list based on the Spring Game (glorified practice) and other blogs that I've stumbled upon recently... I recall writing up a similar post prior to last season, so hopefully this doesn't sound too repetitive.. Without further ado, my Buckeye wish-list!

• The 3-4 Defense: let's call up Dick LeBeau and figure out how to use the 3-4 in every situation... even against those pansy, bitchassness teams that send 5-WR on the field for every play.. I'm talking about YOU Pur-don't. We know we're not rock solid at the corner position, so why not throw down with four, mean, nasty LBs... Some beautiful combination of Spitler, Homan, Moeller, Sabino, Rolle, and Hines... It would be kisstastic to see Heyward, Gibson and Wilson on the line... Too bad we don't have a monster DT...
• Pryor Unleashed: why Tressel seemingly wants to contain a rabid dog is disturbing... but what do I know? I'm not the one making millions of dollars here. Pryor is an animal waiting for its first meal (*waving* Hi, Navy!). Apparently he showed much improved accuracy during the Spring Game... and all this talk about arm strength is overrated.. He had arm-strength before he got to college, he just didn't have CONFIDENCE in throwing the ball. A greater understanding of the offense will promote his success this season, whereby last season, he was just trying to manage games... Another year in the weight room and he might look like Bron-Bron on the football field...
  
• DeVier Posey mutates into David Boston II: he's got the size and speed to burn... Now he just needs to pull a Julio Jones/AJ Green impersonation with numero ocho on his back and turn in a monster season... Deep threats stretch the field... Robo and Hartline were not deep threats.
• Healthy AA, Andre Amos: a full, healthy, productive season from AA... Kid was a stud coming out of HS... I'd like for him to be able to leave OSU as an NFL prospect and a strong senior year ala Antonio Smith.
• Depants USCum: We've got scUM and USCum... I watched helplessly as our beloved Buckeyes were embarrased by Dirty Sanchez... Here's to TP returning the favor. Yes Taylor Mays, he's bigger than you.
  

Re: Buckeye Draft Projections

Projections (from March 4) and where they actually went in RED over the weekend. I should be a Draftnik. Kiper & McShay, eat your heart out!

• Malcolm Jenkins (CB) - First Round. Top 15 overall. - CORRECT! Round 1, #14 to the Saints. I think this is where he "should have" gone... If the Saints didn't get him at 14, my guess is that the Texans would have picked him off at 15. I wonder if Madden 2010 will have Jenkins listed as an FS...
  
• Chris "Beanie" Wells (RB) - First Round. Late pick, somewhere between Picks 20 and 32. - CORRECT! Round 1, #30 to the Cardinals. Ken Wisenhunt now has a viable RB to go with the aerial attack of Fitzgerald and Boldin... If he stays healthy, Beanie is going to have a monster year. I can't remember the last time the Cardinals had a real RB.
  
• James Laurinaitis (LB) - Second Round. Early in the round, somewhere between Picks 33 and 50. - CORRECT! Round 2, #35 overall to the Rams. I would have preferred to see Little Animal in a team that I'm more likely to follow, but he should have no problem securing a starting spot with the Rams.
  
• Brian Robiskie (WR) - Second/Third Round. - CORRECT! Round 2, #36 overall to the Browns. Good for Robo! He should have no problem becoming the possession WR that the Browns had with a healthy Joe Jurevicius.
  
• Marcus Freeman (LB) - Second/Third Round. - WRONG! Round 5, #152 overall to 'da Bears. I'm not sure why he fell this far on everyone's boards... But he landed with a great team that will probably have a monster 2009-2010 campaign with Cutler at the reigns.
  
• Brian Hartline (WR) - Fourth/Fifth Round. - CORRECT! Round 4, # 108 overall to the Fins. With all the rumors surrounding Hartline as a locker-room virus, I was glad to see him find a home with a team that's heading in the right direction... Hopefully he works his tail off and secures himself some playing time next to TGII.
  
• Donald Washington (CB) - Fifth/Sixth Round. - WRONG! WIZZUH???? Round 4, #102 overall to the Chiefs. All of the Chiefs' picks are mind-boggling and this one was no exception.
  
• Nader Abdallah (DT) - Seventh Round. - WRONG! Undrafted... I'd like to see him get a shot with his hometown Saints...

I'm looking forward to drafting a Buckeye-laden team on this year's version of Madden...! Go Bucks!

The XNFL Criminals

With the NFL Draft upon us, I thought it would be fun to fill a roster of misfits... This team COULD be good...

QB - Michael "Dog Fighting" Vick
RB - Maurice "Shotgun & Vodka" Clarett
RB - Cedric "Drinking & Boating" Benson
RB - Onterrio "Whizzinator" Smith
RB - OJ "I Didn't Do it" Simpson
WR - Rae "Murder Inc." Carruth
WR - Plaxico "9mm" Burress
WR - Chris "18 is too old" Henry
WR - Matt "Coke-Man" Jones
TE - Mark " " Chumra
OL - Eric "Drinking & Boating" Steinbach
OL - Ross "Bad Checks" Verba
OL - Barrett "Bipolar" Robbins
OL - Bryant "Love Boat" McKinnie


DT - Tank "I love guns" Johnson
DE - Leonard "Kill you with my car" Little
LB - Odell "Must Drink and Drive" Thurmann
LB - Rob "Wife-beater Extraordinaire" Reynolds
LB - Steve "BAC 0.233" Foley
LB - AJ "Rap Sheet" Nicholson
CB - Adam "Pacman needs a Posse" Jones
CB - Darryl "41 years in Orange" Henley

... This team wouldn't be complete without the official Cincinnati Bengals team jerseys.... Orange and stripes!

Buckeye Draft Prospect Projections

Piggybacking my previous post... My projections for where this class of Ohio State Buckeyes will go in the draft:

• Malcolm Jenkins (CB) - First Round. Top 15 overall.
• Chris "Beanie" Wells (RB) - First Round. Late pick, somewhere between Picks 20 and 32.
• James Laurinaitis (LB) - Second Round. Early in the round, somewhere between Picks 33 and 50.
• Brian Robiskie (WR) - Second/Third Round. 
• Marcus Freeman (LB) - Second/Third Round.
• Brian Hartline (WR) - Fourth/Fifth Round.
• Donald Washington (CB) - Fifth/Sixth Round.
• Nader Abdallah (DT) - Seventh Round.

Undrafted FAs: Boone, Boeckman, Person, Rehring, Terry, Maurice Wells, and Nicol.

Todd McShay, eat a dick.

YWRN NFL Mock Draft v.2

Round 2. Before I get onto the actual mock draft, let me just say loud and clear that TODD MCSHAY IS A FUCKING MORON! I don't get paid by ESPN, but I bet I'll have a higher hit ratio on my mock draft.

1. Detroit Losers - Matt Stafford (QB - UGA) Previous pick: Stafford

I'm still not at high on this guy as plenty of other draftniks claim to be, but aside from taking a huge gamble to try and pick up Sanchez later in the 1st, ala Brady Quinn, this is the smart, frugal pick... even though there will be nothing frugal about the contract...

2. St. Louis Rams - Jason Smith (OT - Baylor) Previous pick: Crabtree

There is strong correlation between a good O-lineman and a successful offense. With Orlando "Pancake" Pace's lingering injuries, it is imperative that this void, literally, is filled with a solid OT. He can only help Steven Jackson... 

3. Kansas Shitty Chiefs - Andre Smith (OT - Alabama) Previous pick: Dirty Sanchez

Well, trading for Matt Cassel solved their QB question in one fell swoop... And somehow they got Mike Vrabel and only had to give up a 2nd Round pick to get them BOTH... It was a shady deal to me. Once again, logic pits this OT into this spot.

4. Seattle Seahawks - Eugene Monroe (OT - Virginia) Previous pick: Dr. 'Dre Smith

Hello T.J. WhosYourMama. Good-bye Michael Achilles Crabtree.

5. Cleveland Brownies - Aaron Curry (LB - Wake Forest) Previous pick: Slow-Poke Moreno

The run on offensive linemen finally comes to a halt. The best player available goes to one of the worst franchises ever.

6. Cincinnati Bungals - Michael Oher (OT - Ole Miss) Previous pick: Monroe

My previous comment about only drafting O-Line and WRs remains the same. TJ is gone... and you're left with a fleet of thugs at wideout...

7. Oakland Al Davis Killed the Raiders - Michael Crabtree (WR - Texas Tech) Previous Pick: Curry

Al Davis doesn't even need to trade up to make a bad decision. WR isn't a glaring hole - the O-Line is. It's a sweet Madden offense though: McFadden, Crabtree and that fat guy.

8. J-ville Jaguars - BJ Raji (NT - Boston College) Previous Pick: Oher

Running back and defense back are needs, but I don't think you can pass on this guy. He's the second coming of Albert Haynesworth.

9. Green Bay Packers - Malcolm Jenkins (CB - The Ohio State University) Previous Pick: Raji

I think Jenkins runs better at the Ohio State pro-day and solidifies himself as a top 10 pick. 

10. San Francisco Gold-Digging 49ers - Brian Cushing (LB - USC) Previous Pick: Maualuga

Niners take the other in-state kid to pair up with Patrick Pro-Bowl Willis in the 3-4. Two reasons: 1) copy cat Super Bowl Sixburgh Steelers; 2) copy cat Super Bowl Sixburgh Steelers. He had a tremendous Combine and could be plenty disruptive at OLB. No QB here as Warner gets signed... somehow...

11. Buffalo Billy Bob Thornton Bills - Vontae Davis (CB - Illinois) Previous Pick: Smith

Davis had a good Combine which should increase his appeal. The lack of CB depth/quality in this class makes this an early value pick.

12. Denver has Hot Cheerleaders Broncos - Brian Orapko (DE/OLB - Texas) Previous pick: E. Brown

If Denver really is going to shift to a 3-4 like half of the NFL, a versatile DE is a big need. 

13. Washington Redskins - Eben Britton (OT - Arizona) Previous Pick: Peria Jerry

The signing of Albert Haynesworth significantly changes the landscape of this pick... Britton is the last quality OT on the board... I certainly wouldn't pick Alex Buffoon Boone...!

14. New Orleans Saints - Rey Maualuga (LB - USC) Previous Pick: Jenkins

Under the simple assumption that the Saints can't resign Vilma.

15. Houston Texans - Jeremy Maclin (WR - Mizzou) Previous Pick: Orapko

My last mock had a DE, but they just signed one via free agency. A solid #2 WR to complement Andre Johnson means a field day for the Houston offense... Now that just sounds strange.

16. San Diego Super Jacko Chargers - Chris Wells (RB - The Ohio State University) Previous Pick: Cushing

It's no surprise that there's all kinds of questions surrounding LT... Sproles isn't an everydown back, but then again, neither is Beanie Wells. 

17. New York J-E-T-S Jets - Mark Sanchez (QB - USC) Previous Pick: Laurinaitis 

I've seen stranger picks out of New York.... but the departure of Favre and a skinny FA market makes some sense out of this pick..

18. Chicago Da Bears - Percy Harvin (WR - Florida) Previous Pick: Maclin

If Devin Hester if your best WR... you're not going to make the play-offs.

19. Tampa Hosted the Super Bowl Buccaneers - Josh Freeman (QB - KSU)

In addition to being home of Super Bowl 43 and the highest per capita of strip clubs, it's also home to a new stable of coaches. This pick will be as surprising as the firing of Gruden and the defection of Coach Kiffin. Freeman is a younger, darker, taller, bigger, straighter, faster, right-handed version of Jeff Garcia. This obviously changes if they somehow trade for Cutler.

20. Detroit Losers (II) - Alex Mack (C - Cal)

You could insert any of the top 10 linemen at this spot and Detroit will pick one of them.

21. Philly Steak  Sub Eagles - Knowshon Moreno (RB - Georgia) Previous Pick: Beanie Wells

I could see Philly trading this pick to, say, Arizona for Anquan Boldin? Moreno's 40-time was atrocious. 

22. Minnesota Vikings - Louis Delmas (S - Western Michigan) Previous Pick: Davis

Delmas has been climbing draft boards and safety is a position of great need. Round 2/3/4 is where they address the dire QB situation in hopes of bandaging the situation until 2010. Graham Harrell in purple anyone? I know he can hand-off to AP All Day as well as I can...

23. New England Com Patriots - Aaron Maybin (DE/OLB - PSU)

The most logical pick for Coach Sweatshirt. Fits the system like a glove.

24. Atlanta Matt Ryan Falcons - Tyson Jackson (DE - LSU)

I have a feeling the 2009 draft will be very defense-oriented for the Falcons who have a wall-oiled machine on the other side of the ball.

25.  Miami has Sexy Cheerleaders Dolphins - Everett Brown (DE - FSU) Previous Pick: Delmas

Parcells likes his DE's big and fast, like OLBs. See Demarcus Ware.

26. Baltimore Cry Me a River Ravens - DJ Moore (CB - Vanderbilt)

Chris McAlister and Samari Rolle are barely worth fantasy drafting on Madden 2009... Not to mention Corey Ivy is clearly not good enough to be a #1 on that defense. (see: Corey Ivy gets pwned by Holmes & Sweed). Remember, this team gets Dawan Landry back from injury in '09.

27. Indianapolis Colts - Peria Jerry (DT - Ole Miss) Previousl Pick: Marks (DT - Auburn)

I had a hard time with this one, but I think it's the biggest hole they need to fill. WR's to replace Harrison abound in Rounds 2 & 3. 

28. Philly Steak  Sub Eagles (II) - Max Unger (C - Oregon) Previous Pick: Britton

Don't know who this guy is, but he had a sick Combine and Philly needs help on the O-line.

29. New York Giants - Darrius Heyward-Bey (WR - Maryland) Previous Pick: Nicks (WR - UNC)

A true deep threat with blazing speed. A complement to all those possession guys they've got.

30. Tennessee Titans - Brandon Pettigrew (TE - Okie State)

Who's that washed up tight-end that fumbled the ball in a playoff game? Yeah.. Enough said.

31. Arizona Cardinals - LeSean McCoy (RB - Pittsburgh)

How ironic it would be for the Cardinals to draft a RB from the city that just beat them in the Super Bowl...

32. Sixburgh Steelers - William Beatty (OT - UConn)

If Sixburgh drafts ANYONE that's not an offensive lineman, they will earn a draft grade of FAIL.

End Round One.

Special Note - Former Buckeye Alex Baffoon Boone will not be drafted in this year's draft for alcohol-related issues. At least wait until AFTER you're drafted to consume an entire keg of beer... Maybe he'll be drinking during his Wonderlic testing...

Goal Line Blitz (nerd)

It's been about 45 days since I first stumbled upon GoalLineBlitz.com via the Bucknuts message boards. A quick summary so I don't lose anyone; Goal Line Blitz ("GLB") is an online "MMORPG"; Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. At the heart of this online RPG is football. For football fans and football fantasy addicts alike, this game is the shot you get to take that will prolong your drunken desire for football from the gruesomely boring months of February through August. Especially if you hate baseball, basketball and hockey. 

I digress. Continuing on, the game allows you to participate at various levels.

1.) You can be an agent. You get create a player and position of your choice and build him to your liking from Day 1. You could replicate a guy like Peyton Manning, Troy Polamalu or Albert Haynesworth... or even a kicker. Regardless, the possibilities are endless. Competition is available at all levels which I would equate to a spectrum of play-ground ball (age 5) to NFL Pro Bowl status. 

2.) You can be a owner/coach. If you prefer to throw your weight around as a team owner Jerry Jones-style. There's a steep learning curve in order to be a GOOD owner, but there is room for newbies in the game.

3.) Ever thought that you could do better than Jim Bollman? GLB allows you to prove your worth as an Offensive (or Defensive) Coordinator. You are the decision maker for how often a formation/play is run based on various scenarios that you must determine and define. The trick is making sure your game plan is cohesive with the players on your team. Again, huge learning curve, but not impossible.

4.) Lastly, you can be a scout and/or recruiter. Your job is to watch/script game film looking for holes in the defense or trends in the offense and report them back to the respective Coordinator.  Most people, including myself, start here in order to work their way up to an OC/DC position. Good scouting equates to good reviews and request for your services. The recruiter ends up being a secondary role where you're out seeking services of Free Agents or players with contracts coming to maturity... Most contracts are one or two-season stints, so there are plenty of available players for the right price (or starting position).

Note - there is no monetary gain for playing the game. Zero. Zilch. Nada. 

It's all about pride. You can make a stud athlete and be recruited by the top five teams in your league. You could be an owner known as one of the most successful owners in the game. You could become the top Coordinator with constant messages inquiring for your services... And you get little JPEG trophies for winning, being a top WR, etc... 

The rest of the game is all computer-run/generated. Games are simulated and the players are all little colored dots (yellow & blue, respectively) with initials for each position. It's a fantasy game that allows you to control some of the outcome... with the goal being to WIN and if you're a player, be in enough plays so you get the maximum experience points for that game.

Anyway, you can read more about the game on GLBwiki.com or Goallineblitz.com.

Onto my current status in the game. I am known in the game as "snowmann". Don't ask how I came up with that. It's connotations vary and I'll leave it ambiguous/random. I currently own 14 players ranging from Level 2 to Level 21. I have players at every major position except QB, FB, and TE. They are an Evil Dynasty as each player's first name is "Evil" and the last name being a player of my choosing... i.e. Evil Urlacher (LB), Evil Polamalu (SS), Evil Ware (LB), Evil Peterson (RB), Evil Laurinaitis (LB), Evil Fitzgerald (WR), Evil Jenkins (CB) & Evil Asomugha (CB)... I am tempted to create a new set of players which may be named differently, but for the time being, Evil is the trend. I've learned how to effectively slow-build these players and will continue to do so until I achieve enough Skill Points to instantaneously boost them to a more formidable state. 

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At any rate, in addition to being player-agent, I've undertaken the role of the Offensive Coordinator for the Kansas City Titans (a European BBB league team). It's a Level 21-capped team, which means we can't SIGN any players over Level 21, but we can sign a Level 21 and have him level-up to Level 24 & 25... potentially making him one of the most dominant players in that geographic BBB league. I've spent a lot of time re-ordering the depth chart, creating a base game-plan, and recruiting new players for Season 8. (*note, each Season lasts about 45 days, so in one full calendar year, about eight seasons could be completed) 

It's been an interesting off-season and I've developed a good reputation with the players we've recruited and committed about being a professional and active OC. Hopefully I've picked the right players for my system... which I won't divulge on here... 

The goal is to eventually own/co-own my own team and fill it with the players that I've created.... and hopefully be competitive. There are a fair number of GLB veterans that have been around long enough to know the game inside & out... Part of me wishes I would have be around when the ship originally sailed and went live. I could probably have a Level 99 player that was getting ready to retire. The best part is that once you achieve that level, you can retire and rebuild from scratch at either a different position or just be one of the most powerful owners/coaches in the game.

Okay, enough rambling for one day... Just glad to get that out of my system while I'm sitting here thinking about it...