The XNFL Criminals

With the NFL Draft upon us, I thought it would be fun to fill a roster of misfits... This team COULD be good...

QB - Michael "Dog Fighting" Vick
RB - Maurice "Shotgun & Vodka" Clarett
RB - Cedric "Drinking & Boating" Benson
RB - Onterrio "Whizzinator" Smith
RB - OJ "I Didn't Do it" Simpson
WR - Rae "Murder Inc." Carruth
WR - Plaxico "9mm" Burress
WR - Chris "18 is too old" Henry
WR - Matt "Coke-Man" Jones
TE - Mark " " Chumra
OL - Eric "Drinking & Boating" Steinbach
OL - Ross "Bad Checks" Verba
OL - Barrett "Bipolar" Robbins
OL - Bryant "Love Boat" McKinnie


DT - Tank "I love guns" Johnson
DE - Leonard "Kill you with my car" Little
LB - Odell "Must Drink and Drive" Thurmann
LB - Rob "Wife-beater Extraordinaire" Reynolds
LB - Steve "BAC 0.233" Foley
LB - AJ "Rap Sheet" Nicholson
CB - Adam "Pacman needs a Posse" Jones
CB - Darryl "41 years in Orange" Henley

... This team wouldn't be complete without the official Cincinnati Bengals team jerseys.... Orange and stripes!

Buckeye Draft Prospect Projections

Piggybacking my previous post... My projections for where this class of Ohio State Buckeyes will go in the draft:

• Malcolm Jenkins (CB) - First Round. Top 15 overall.
• Chris "Beanie" Wells (RB) - First Round. Late pick, somewhere between Picks 20 and 32.
• James Laurinaitis (LB) - Second Round. Early in the round, somewhere between Picks 33 and 50.
• Brian Robiskie (WR) - Second/Third Round. 
• Marcus Freeman (LB) - Second/Third Round.
• Brian Hartline (WR) - Fourth/Fifth Round.
• Donald Washington (CB) - Fifth/Sixth Round.
• Nader Abdallah (DT) - Seventh Round.

Undrafted FAs: Boone, Boeckman, Person, Rehring, Terry, Maurice Wells, and Nicol.

Todd McShay, eat a dick.

YWRN NFL Mock Draft v.2

Round 2. Before I get onto the actual mock draft, let me just say loud and clear that TODD MCSHAY IS A FUCKING MORON! I don't get paid by ESPN, but I bet I'll have a higher hit ratio on my mock draft.

1. Detroit Losers - Matt Stafford (QB - UGA) Previous pick: Stafford

I'm still not at high on this guy as plenty of other draftniks claim to be, but aside from taking a huge gamble to try and pick up Sanchez later in the 1st, ala Brady Quinn, this is the smart, frugal pick... even though there will be nothing frugal about the contract...

2. St. Louis Rams - Jason Smith (OT - Baylor) Previous pick: Crabtree

There is strong correlation between a good O-lineman and a successful offense. With Orlando "Pancake" Pace's lingering injuries, it is imperative that this void, literally, is filled with a solid OT. He can only help Steven Jackson... 

3. Kansas Shitty Chiefs - Andre Smith (OT - Alabama) Previous pick: Dirty Sanchez

Well, trading for Matt Cassel solved their QB question in one fell swoop... And somehow they got Mike Vrabel and only had to give up a 2nd Round pick to get them BOTH... It was a shady deal to me. Once again, logic pits this OT into this spot.

4. Seattle Seahawks - Eugene Monroe (OT - Virginia) Previous pick: Dr. 'Dre Smith

Hello T.J. WhosYourMama. Good-bye Michael Achilles Crabtree.

5. Cleveland Brownies - Aaron Curry (LB - Wake Forest) Previous pick: Slow-Poke Moreno

The run on offensive linemen finally comes to a halt. The best player available goes to one of the worst franchises ever.

6. Cincinnati Bungals - Michael Oher (OT - Ole Miss) Previous pick: Monroe

My previous comment about only drafting O-Line and WRs remains the same. TJ is gone... and you're left with a fleet of thugs at wideout...

7. Oakland Al Davis Killed the Raiders - Michael Crabtree (WR - Texas Tech) Previous Pick: Curry

Al Davis doesn't even need to trade up to make a bad decision. WR isn't a glaring hole - the O-Line is. It's a sweet Madden offense though: McFadden, Crabtree and that fat guy.

8. J-ville Jaguars - BJ Raji (NT - Boston College) Previous Pick: Oher

Running back and defense back are needs, but I don't think you can pass on this guy. He's the second coming of Albert Haynesworth.

9. Green Bay Packers - Malcolm Jenkins (CB - The Ohio State University) Previous Pick: Raji

I think Jenkins runs better at the Ohio State pro-day and solidifies himself as a top 10 pick. 

10. San Francisco Gold-Digging 49ers - Brian Cushing (LB - USC) Previous Pick: Maualuga

Niners take the other in-state kid to pair up with Patrick Pro-Bowl Willis in the 3-4. Two reasons: 1) copy cat Super Bowl Sixburgh Steelers; 2) copy cat Super Bowl Sixburgh Steelers. He had a tremendous Combine and could be plenty disruptive at OLB. No QB here as Warner gets signed... somehow...

11. Buffalo Billy Bob Thornton Bills - Vontae Davis (CB - Illinois) Previous Pick: Smith

Davis had a good Combine which should increase his appeal. The lack of CB depth/quality in this class makes this an early value pick.

12. Denver has Hot Cheerleaders Broncos - Brian Orapko (DE/OLB - Texas) Previous pick: E. Brown

If Denver really is going to shift to a 3-4 like half of the NFL, a versatile DE is a big need. 

13. Washington Redskins - Eben Britton (OT - Arizona) Previous Pick: Peria Jerry

The signing of Albert Haynesworth significantly changes the landscape of this pick... Britton is the last quality OT on the board... I certainly wouldn't pick Alex Buffoon Boone...!

14. New Orleans Saints - Rey Maualuga (LB - USC) Previous Pick: Jenkins

Under the simple assumption that the Saints can't resign Vilma.

15. Houston Texans - Jeremy Maclin (WR - Mizzou) Previous Pick: Orapko

My last mock had a DE, but they just signed one via free agency. A solid #2 WR to complement Andre Johnson means a field day for the Houston offense... Now that just sounds strange.

16. San Diego Super Jacko Chargers - Chris Wells (RB - The Ohio State University) Previous Pick: Cushing

It's no surprise that there's all kinds of questions surrounding LT... Sproles isn't an everydown back, but then again, neither is Beanie Wells. 

17. New York J-E-T-S Jets - Mark Sanchez (QB - USC) Previous Pick: Laurinaitis 

I've seen stranger picks out of New York.... but the departure of Favre and a skinny FA market makes some sense out of this pick..

18. Chicago Da Bears - Percy Harvin (WR - Florida) Previous Pick: Maclin

If Devin Hester if your best WR... you're not going to make the play-offs.

19. Tampa Hosted the Super Bowl Buccaneers - Josh Freeman (QB - KSU)

In addition to being home of Super Bowl 43 and the highest per capita of strip clubs, it's also home to a new stable of coaches. This pick will be as surprising as the firing of Gruden and the defection of Coach Kiffin. Freeman is a younger, darker, taller, bigger, straighter, faster, right-handed version of Jeff Garcia. This obviously changes if they somehow trade for Cutler.

20. Detroit Losers (II) - Alex Mack (C - Cal)

You could insert any of the top 10 linemen at this spot and Detroit will pick one of them.

21. Philly Steak  Sub Eagles - Knowshon Moreno (RB - Georgia) Previous Pick: Beanie Wells

I could see Philly trading this pick to, say, Arizona for Anquan Boldin? Moreno's 40-time was atrocious. 

22. Minnesota Vikings - Louis Delmas (S - Western Michigan) Previous Pick: Davis

Delmas has been climbing draft boards and safety is a position of great need. Round 2/3/4 is where they address the dire QB situation in hopes of bandaging the situation until 2010. Graham Harrell in purple anyone? I know he can hand-off to AP All Day as well as I can...

23. New England Com Patriots - Aaron Maybin (DE/OLB - PSU)

The most logical pick for Coach Sweatshirt. Fits the system like a glove.

24. Atlanta Matt Ryan Falcons - Tyson Jackson (DE - LSU)

I have a feeling the 2009 draft will be very defense-oriented for the Falcons who have a wall-oiled machine on the other side of the ball.

25.  Miami has Sexy Cheerleaders Dolphins - Everett Brown (DE - FSU) Previous Pick: Delmas

Parcells likes his DE's big and fast, like OLBs. See Demarcus Ware.

26. Baltimore Cry Me a River Ravens - DJ Moore (CB - Vanderbilt)

Chris McAlister and Samari Rolle are barely worth fantasy drafting on Madden 2009... Not to mention Corey Ivy is clearly not good enough to be a #1 on that defense. (see: Corey Ivy gets pwned by Holmes & Sweed). Remember, this team gets Dawan Landry back from injury in '09.

27. Indianapolis Colts - Peria Jerry (DT - Ole Miss) Previousl Pick: Marks (DT - Auburn)

I had a hard time with this one, but I think it's the biggest hole they need to fill. WR's to replace Harrison abound in Rounds 2 & 3. 

28. Philly Steak  Sub Eagles (II) - Max Unger (C - Oregon) Previous Pick: Britton

Don't know who this guy is, but he had a sick Combine and Philly needs help on the O-line.

29. New York Giants - Darrius Heyward-Bey (WR - Maryland) Previous Pick: Nicks (WR - UNC)

A true deep threat with blazing speed. A complement to all those possession guys they've got.

30. Tennessee Titans - Brandon Pettigrew (TE - Okie State)

Who's that washed up tight-end that fumbled the ball in a playoff game? Yeah.. Enough said.

31. Arizona Cardinals - LeSean McCoy (RB - Pittsburgh)

How ironic it would be for the Cardinals to draft a RB from the city that just beat them in the Super Bowl...

32. Sixburgh Steelers - William Beatty (OT - UConn)

If Sixburgh drafts ANYONE that's not an offensive lineman, they will earn a draft grade of FAIL.

End Round One.

Special Note - Former Buckeye Alex Baffoon Boone will not be drafted in this year's draft for alcohol-related issues. At least wait until AFTER you're drafted to consume an entire keg of beer... Maybe he'll be drinking during his Wonderlic testing...